What is BDSM?
BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) is a thrilling, compassionate and profoundly enriching endeavor. At its core lies a willing exchange power, founded upon clear consent, and fortified by solid boundaries, genuine respect, open communication, profound vulnerability, and unwavering honesty among all participants. It is this harmonious interplay that defines the essence of BDSM.
BDSM is a wonderful way to explore your boundaries and figure out what makes you tick. Many use the practice to explore their desires, fears and kinks while nurturing their vulnerably and honing their communication skills. BDSM, if done correctly, can be an extremely enriching experience.
What does BDSM look like?
BDSM can look a lot of different ways. From the dominatrix clad in leather, skillfully administering pleasure and pain to their bound and submissive counterpart in the dimly lit dungeon, to the discreetly adorned submissive complying with their dominant's sartorial directives amidst an evening out with friends—BDSM embraces a vast spectrum of experiences. Sensation play, impact play and role playing are a few examples of the various avenues to discover. The beauty of BDSM lies in its versatility, attuned to the consensual dynamics and scenes envisioned by those involved. Want to be in charge? Great! Want to be at someone’s mercy? Great! Want to be worshipped? Great! Want to be a piece of furniture? Great! Want to explore the sensation of pain? Great! Want to be the prettiest pony in the land? Great! There are so many interesting and exciting dynamics to explore. Your imagination is your only limit.
Don’t stress if you are unsure if you identify as a top or bottom or if you are unsure if a specific activity is up your alley. BDSM is all about exploration. There is no rush to slap a label on who you are and what you are into. Sample from the buffet of experiences and let your identity evolve over time. That being said, it’s ok to know your limits. If you know a certain experience isn’t going to jive well with you, just say “no thank you”. It’s one thing to push yourself in a constructive, healthy manner. It’s another thing entirely to comprise your physical and mental well-being. Knowing your limits is hot. It says you are self-aware and are taking accountability for your own journey. Who doesn’t want that in a play partner?
Wanna play?
If you decide that BDSM is something you want to explore, you’re going to want to do some homework. Read up on etiquette and safety. Ensure anyone you engage with has also done their homework. Learning the proper techniques for a specific form of play you wish to engage in and taking action to proactively address any safety concerns is paramount. BDSM comes with real risks and it’s the job of everyone involved to be aware of those risks and to take action to mitigate them where possible.
Becoming acquainted with proper etiquette is also very important as consent stands as the bedrock of this practice. Interactions within BDSM spaces may diverge from the norms of everyday life. Expectations of etiquette will vary depending on the type of event you are attending. A munch is much more casual than playtime at a dungeon or a high protocol dinner. Avoid faux pas and do your due diligence. Observing proper etiquette is a way of expressing your respect for those around you.
Find Community
Engage with your local BDSM community, attend educational events and work with mentors. There are so many inspiring people in the BDSM world who are happy to share their knowledge and time with those eager to learn. While it may be nerve wrecking at first, putting yourself out there and meeting others who share your interests is very rewarding. Go make some new kinky friends!
Remember to keep an open mind when joining your local BDSM community. Many BDSM communities are inclusive spaces that welcome individuals of various gender identities, sexual orientations, interests, and relationship dynamics. Be respectful of other people’s journeys and don’t yuck someone else’s yum.
When socializing and engaging with new people be vigilant of predatory behavior. Remember, no is no. If someone is attempting to pressure you into an activity you have already said no to, walk away. You don’t owe anyone anything. I don’t care how new you are and how experienced the person is who is applying the pressure. If they don’t respect your boundaries when discussing a scenario, how much are they going to respect your boundaries when you are at your most vulnerable? Move on. There are others to play with.
Negotiate! Negotiate! Negotiate!
Get ready to negotiate! Before you can start a scene, there is a good amount of negotiation involved. BDSM is not spontaneous. Scenes are thoughtful and expectations are clearly communicated. Negotiation serves the purpose of making sure everyone gets what they want out of a scene and sees to it that no boundaries are crossed while people are at their most vulnerable. At first, it may seem tedious to have to discuss a scene in such great detail before it happens but think of it more as foreplay. It is incredibly exciting hearing someone describe what they want to do you and getting the chance to excite your scene partner in return. Negotiation builds delicious anticipation.
Go have fun!
If you have decided that you are ready to explore the enticing world of BDSM, I’m excited for you! While BDSM is becoming more socially acceptable, it is still taboo in many circles. It takes courage to explore who you are amongst the negative discourse. I applaud your bravery! Have fun and be safe! I can’t wait to see where your kinky journey takes you!
XOXO,
Aimee
P.S. This blog post is a brief primer that doesn’t cover all nuances of BDSM. Stay tuned for future in-depth posts that cover various aspects of BDSM.
Want to learn more about BDSM? I suggest starting with these books:
SM 101
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